| -------Republicans
want to abort the "pregnant Chads." I thought Republicans
were against abortion. Maybe they are just confused. After all,
"Chad" is traditionally a male name, and they probably
think males shouldn't be pregnant. Male pregnancy is, no doubt,
a notion too inconsistent with their "traditional family
values." Then again, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Republican,
and he was pregnant in the 1994 movie "Junior."
-------Perhaps Republicans
are afraid the pregnant Chads will give birth to a Democratic
President. But if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't
the Republican stance be different? Of course it would. Have
you ever tried standing with your left shoe on your right foot?
And remember, former Republican Vice President Dan Quayle was
very much opposed to abortion, unless, of course, it were his
own daughter.
-------Then there
are the ballots with "dimpled Chads." Katherine Harris,
Florida's Republican Secretary of State, wants to get rid of
these too. I would agree with her that all confusing things
with dimples should be thrown out under one condition: She should
go as well. After all, she has dimples. The Democrats counter
that they want to follow the "will" of the people.
I admire their foresight. With these Republican stall tactics,
the courts may have to consult wills, as the voters will likely
be dead by the time all of this is resolved.
-------Both sides
obviously think that lawyers are the answer. The courtrooms
in Florida are now flooded as "dream teams" of lawyers
wash ashore and into the courts, their fins still wet. The country's
worst nightmares are being realized: politicians, lawyers, and
maybe even life insurance salesman will show up. And if Johnny
Cochran gets involved, don't be surprised if the electoral college
elects O.J. Simpson as the forty-third President of the United
States.
Copyright 2000, Aaron Bloom. All rights reserved.
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